Convo #1: 12:17 am Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Back story: Car had just been broken into and I was driving home with a window COMPLETELY open and freezing cold air blasting me the entire way. Now if you know me, then you'd know that I have a slight tendency to be lead footed. I have gone to Anonym groups to help with my problem, none have seemed to help. Not even the time that I received speeding tickets within 23 minutes of each other in the same jurisdiction. But, you gotta understand. It was frickin' cold. And I wanted to be home, like 3 hours ago. Cue police sirens and lights.
PO: M'am, did you know you were speeding?
Me: Yes. Yes I did.
PO: (Dumbfounded expression) I'll need your driver's licence and insurance. (Looks into backseat, still oblivious to the shattered glass and OPEN window) Where are your kids, m'am.
Me: (In my head: Bed, idiot. It's in the middle of the night.) *Calm and sweet voice* At home with my husband.
PO: Hmmm. Where have you been tonight?
Me: At a Writer's Workshop.
(Pause and my longing for my warm bed growing stronger by the second)
PO: (Hands me back my DL and insurance)
Me: Look. I just walked out to my car to find my window shattered, my school-issued laptop stolen, along with my laptop bag and my pin drives with a completed manuscript and 32 versions of the query that go along with it, not that you know what a query is, but if you did, you'd totally understand my pain. It's after midnight. I'm a school teacher, and by the time I get home, I'll get a total of 4 hours of sleep. Then, I'm going to have to go to school and inform my principal that my laptop is gone and deal with the repercussions of that. Then, after that I am going to have to be coherent enough to deal with 44 crazy 4th graders. I'm tired. I'm grumpy. And I just want to go home. If there's any way you could speed up the process of writing my ticket, that'd be dandy.
PO: Um. You don't have a window, do you?
PO: Did you report it to the police?
Me: (DUH!) Yes sir.
PO: Well, hon (hon????) I won't kick you while you're down. You be on your way. And don't speed.
Me: (Exasperated breath) Yes sir. Thank you. Very much.
And that's how you do it ladies and gentleman. My new idea: Anytime I get pulled over, I'll just roll down my passenger window and say it's been broken in. Genius.
Convo #2: 7:18 am Saturday, February 13
Back story: I'm sleeping and Middle Child (K2) comes wandering in with blood pouring down her face. Trailing behind is First Born (K1).
K2: Momma! My nose is bleeding again!
Me: Quit pickin' your nose and you won't have that problem.
K1: Mom! It's bleeding bad. You gotta see.
Me: (Opening my eyes slightly) Yes. I see. Get a tissue. And go wash your hands. And quit picking your nose.
K1: Yeah. From the looks of it, I'm the only one in this family that can get away with picking my nose without making it bleed.
K2: I can pick my nose sometimes without making it bleed.
K1: Maybe it's how you're picking it that's making it bleed.
K2: I just stick it up here like this. (Proceeds to shove her finger up the same nose that is still bleeding)
K1: OH! That's your problem. You're not picking your nose right. You need to stick it up there and to the left. (Now demonstrating as K2 follows suit) YEAH! Now you got it. See? And it's not bleeding!!
Me: Oh. My. God. Please. We don't pick our noses. It's nasty. So STOP!
Hmmmm...yeah. Interesting, eh?
And with that, I hope you PICK a fabulous place to celebrate Valentine's Day. :)